When did this happen? How did I get lost in this never ending quest? How do I turn it around?
I do not have the answers for these questions. All I have is the insight that for as long as I can remember I have been a people pleaser. I have been unable to validate myself and therefore rely on validation from others. I have lived in the fear of rejection so long that I cannot help but to go out of my way to please people. What if they don't like me because I didn't help them? That question has lead to many situations where I am gone out of my way to help someone.
Don't get me wrong helping others is a good thing. The inability to say no is where the problem comes in. I have given away my last ten dollars simply because I couldn't say no. I have an inability to validate myself thus I must get validation from others. I have an inability to like myself thus I must be liked by others. This has lead to the endless lies and excuses for not being able to do things when I should have simply said no, I can't.
What if they don't like me because I don't give them what they want? As I grow stronger, using my skills, I don't care as much. If they don't like me because I didn't give them my last ten dollars then good I don't want them in my life anyway. That is the strong mentality the one that is only slightly coming to the service. The one that just recently lead me to say no for the first time and not regret it.
I still have trouble. When I am lonely it is more difficult to say no because that is when I crave people the most and feel the lowest and the strength meter. Funny how that works when I am more venerable I feel less able it's like a vicious cycle. The cycle begins due to emotion shifts. The emotions drag you down. Being down creates more emotions.
My goal then is to continue my quest to break the cycle.