Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Dead or alive you'll still leave me

Death is the purest form of Abandonment

When I was young I had one of those best friends that lived two houses over. As you can imagine we were always together. Whether my house or hers we spent most of our time with each other.  During this time I also spent my summers 300 miles away from home with my sister, cousin and aunt. Yes, I missed my friend while I was gone but I got to see the big city and visit the zoo!

One summer, while with my cousin and sister, we received a phone call. My mother was calling my cousin to tell her something horrible has happened. I heard them say that I was going to be so upset, they wouldn't tell me why though. I spent the rest of the summer dreading this horrible news that awaited me.
When I did return home I was met with the news that my best friend had been in a car accident with her mom. Her mother had died. Instantly my world changed. Not only did I lose this person I had seen so often I also lost my best friend. She was obviously upset over her mother passing and was taken away by members of her family. I didn't see her anymore and when I did it was only to witnessed the horrible impact death has.

Fear and Abandonment

This is where my intense fear of death and abandonment started. I clung to the people that were in my life. Living everyday in fear that I would lose them. Nothing was guaranteed and in a blink of an eye they could be gone. What misery to live in.

Throughout the years I have only let a certain amount of people into my heart, the lesser to lose when they are gone. I have also had two serious relationships end. One of which, my marriage, ended with me reading a letter explaining why I was being abandoned. So my fear grows and grows.

Now I am alone, I have my family and my daughter, no significant other, no better half. I feel so empty and alone and yet if I stay alone it can't hurt later when, dead or alive you leave me.

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