After my divorce I felt more alone than ever. More than my borderline moods usually caused me to feel. I was in such emotional agony over the loneliness that I got desperate. I searched to fill the void. In my desperation I wasn't very picky. I was looking for a significant other to make myself whole again. I needed someone else to make me happy.
I found him! or at least I thought I had found what I was looking for. At first it was great. The relationship was new so I was being good and so was he. I was being so good that even I was shocked. As long as I was good he was mostly good.
Eventually I couldn't hide my mood swings and jealousy anymore. This made him mad and when he got mad he got mean. He would call me names then tell me that I caused it, That I brought it on myself. I dealt with this for a longtime because I thought two things, that I needed him to be whole and that he was right, if I acted right we'd be ok.
Things continued to escalate, if I acted out (his words) I was going to pay for it. If he didn't get what he wanted he got worse. He had me on an emotional rollercoaster sucking away what little happiness there was available.
As things worsened I slowly, through therapy, family and self realization became aware of the emotional abuse. I couldn't believe that I allowed myself to be in this place. I felt so ashamed and mortified for what I needed to do. Being with someone might have made me feel whole but with him I wasn't allowed to by my whole self.
Therapy taught me to let go of hopeless and harmful relationships and even though I fought this idea whole heartedly I knew it was time. This was a harmful relationship; harmful to me, my emotions and my therapeutic progress.
It took me a long time to realize that just because I have borderline personality disorder doesn't mean I don't deserve better. And better starts with learning to love yourself so that you expect the same out of others. Loving yourself is very difficult for a borderline, one minute, one day, one week at a time I find something I love and slowly build upon it.
Thanks for sharing this post as I am personally going through a major separation and feel lonely. I will be careful not to fall in the same trap!
ReplyDeleteWow. I have BPD, am trying to disentangle myself from an abuser, and so needed to hear this today. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteYou are most welcome. Feel free to connect with me on facebook or twitter, I am always here to listen and talk. Facebook and twitter links are at the bottom of the page.
ReplyDeleteI am in a similar situation now.. but I do love him. I think he is narcissitic. Most of the time we have fun together but he lets the littlest things annoy him and he throws a little fit which is annoying. I usually go somewhere else until he is done being so negitive because it really bothers me.I am trying to help him learn to be more positive. Sometimes he gets mad at me over nothing... so I tell him what I think and then we both act immature and say things we dont mean. After we snap out of it I usually find out something bigger was bothering him but he couldnt communicate this to me so he acted out. Its frustrating. I dont really feel like I can talk to him sometimes either with him being so judgemental. If he doesnt agree with me he makes me feel stupid... but I control my feelings not him. I just wish he could take more of an interest in what I have to say esp. when its about my emotions
ReplyDeleteYes. I was. Or Am. It's really difficult to tell.
ReplyDeleteIn my experience, my bpd partner would push and push and push and say "see! you're the mean one". They could easily weave reality and convince a crowd that I was the one with BPD in the same breath as an abuser -- but hey stop, why are you trying to leave me? Funny...I (the bully) was always trying to run from a fight because words always fail with the person I was with.
A person can only take having their mind warped inside out and knotted up so many times, and it's disgusting how she could walk away and smile to those around her as if I didn't go through all those years trying to claw my way out of that rabbit hole with her threatening to have her blood on my hands if I even mentioned leaving (which was for all the right reasons in the world).
Funny how I haven't been thought of as abusive to anyone before or anyone after (abusive meaning tried leaving when trying to solve differences (i.e. waking up on the wrong side of the bed) in a remotely healthy way did not compute).