This is going to Hurt!

Cope. That is what I was desperately looking to do. How, though? All I knew is that something had to change. I couldn't feel this way all of the time. The rage, emptiness and overall emotional mayhem was taking over me. It felt as if I was falling down a hole with no bottom. How was I going to help get myself out?

I did find something that helped, in the short term that is. How I started "cutting" without ever hearing of it instead of getting help without it being offered I don't know. It felt like a lifeline though, something that kept me from falling deeper and deeper into the abyss. Seeking this instant gratification came at a cost though.  Now not only did I have to deal with the fluctuating emotions, I also had to be careful not to be seen in the "act". I had to hide the marks and eventually the scars. I didn't want to be this person and those that have never felt this way find it very difficult to understand. They often criticize due to their lack of empathy to this disorder. That was my high school experience though.

In high school I met the boy that would be my ex-husband. He didn't know what he was in for, then again neither did I. I had two jobs in school that I did fairly well at. I was told in both jobs that I could even make management if it weren't for my attitude. This pretty much meant that if I didn't let things explode I could have excelled. What a disappointment, no wonder I never felt good enough.