Are you in a Succubus Relationship?

After my divorce I felt more alone than ever. More than my borderline moods usually caused me to feel. I was in such emotional agony over the loneliness that I got desperate. I searched to fill the void. In my desperation I wasn't very picky. I was looking for a significant other to make myself whole again. I needed someone else to make me happy.

I found him! or at least I thought I had found what I was looking for. At first it was great. The relationship was new so I was being good and so was he. I was being so good that even I was shocked. As long as I was good he was mostly good.

Eventually I couldn't hide my mood swings and jealousy anymore. This made him mad and when he got mad he got mean. He would call me names then tell me that I caused it, That I brought it on myself. I dealt with this for a longtime because I thought two things, that I needed him to be whole and that he was right, if I acted right we'd be ok.

Things continued to escalate, if I acted out (his words) I was going to pay for it. If he didn't get what he wanted he got worse. He had me on an emotional rollercoaster sucking away what little happiness there was available. 

As things worsened I slowly, through therapy, family and self realization became aware of the emotional abuse. I couldn't believe that I allowed myself to be in this place. I felt so ashamed and mortified for what I needed to do. Being with someone might have made me feel whole but with him I wasn't allowed to by my whole self.

Therapy taught me to let go of hopeless and harmful relationships and even though I fought this idea whole heartedly I knew it was time. This was a harmful relationship; harmful to me, my emotions and my therapeutic progress.

It took me a long time to realize that just because I have borderline personality disorder doesn't mean I don't deserve better. And better starts with learning to love yourself so that you expect the same out of others. Loving yourself is very difficult for a borderline, one minute, one day, one week at a time I find something I love and slowly build upon it.

I Said NO!

When did this happen? How did I get lost in this never ending quest? How do I turn it around?

I do not have the answers for these questions. All I have is the insight that for as long as I can remember I have been a people pleaser. I have been unable to validate myself and therefore rely on validation from others. I have lived in the fear of rejection so long that I cannot help but to go out of my way to please people. What if they don't like me because I didn't help them? That question has lead to many situations where I am gone out of my way to help someone.

Don't get me wrong helping others is a good thing. The inability to say no is where the problem comes in. I have given away my last ten dollars simply because I couldn't say no. I have an inability to validate myself thus I must get validation from others. I have an inability to like myself thus I must be liked by others. This has lead to the endless lies and excuses for not being able to do things when I should have simply said no, I can't.

What if they don't like me because I don't give them what they want? As I grow stronger, using my skills, I don't care as much. If they don't like me because I didn't give them my last ten dollars then good I don't want them in my life anyway. That is the strong mentality the one that is only slightly coming to the service. The one that just recently lead me to say no for the first time and not regret it.

I still have trouble. When I am lonely it is more difficult to say no because that is when I crave people the most and feel the lowest and the strength meter. Funny how that works when I am more venerable I feel less able it's like a vicious cycle. The cycle begins due to emotion shifts. The emotions drag you down. Being down creates more emotions. 

My goal then is to continue my quest to break the cycle.

Dead or alive you'll still leave me

Death is the purest form of Abandonment

When I was young I had one of those best friends that lived two houses over. As you can imagine we were always together. Whether my house or hers we spent most of our time with each other.  During this time I also spent my summers 300 miles away from home with my sister, cousin and aunt. Yes, I missed my friend while I was gone but I got to see the big city and visit the zoo!

One summer, while with my cousin and sister, we received a phone call. My mother was calling my cousin to tell her something horrible has happened. I heard them say that I was going to be so upset, they wouldn't tell me why though. I spent the rest of the summer dreading this horrible news that awaited me.

When I did return home I was met with the news that my best friend had been in a car accident with her mom. Her mother had died. Instantly my world changed. Not only did I lose this person I had seen so often I also lost my best friend. She was obviously upset over her mother passing and was taken away by members of her family. I didn't see her anymore and when I did it was only to witnessed the horrible impact death has.

Fear and Abandonment

This is where my intense fear of death and abandonment started. I clung to the people that were in my life. Living everyday in fear that I would lose them. Nothing was guaranteed and in a blink of an eye they could be gone. What misery to live in.

Throughout the years I have only let a certain amount of people into my heart, the lesser to lose when they are gone. I have also had two serious relationships end. One of which, my marriage, ended with me reading a letter explaining why I was being abandoned. So my fear grows and grows.

Now I am alone, I have my family and my daughter, no significant other, no better half. I feel so empty and alone and yet if I stay alone it can't hurt later when, dead or alive you leave me.

Don't Sink Your Boat

I compiled a mini post of this subject on facebook. I wanted to further explain the topic though.

This is a borderline habit I have dealt with for as long as I can remember. The nature behind it is my lack of self-confidence. Due to this lacking I have a tendency to second guess myself. This second guessing you will soon see is the water in which fills the boat.

I would like to make this clear firstly. I am borderline and I am prone to emotional outbreak. This does not mean I am always wrong. It doesn't mean that my point is invalid or unjustified. And it does not mean that I should not have brought it up.

Having said that, my borderline self leaves me second guessing that very point. It doesn't help when others make you feel that way also. It's hard when you have little to no self-esteem to say "no, I have a valid point". Then you have others that would say that your wrong simply due to your actions. Here's where the sinking begins.

The more I second guess the harder it is to believe that I could be justified, with my cause if not my actions. Every thought of  well maybe I did do this or shouldn't have said that  adds a bucket of water, threatening to sing my boat.

Don't sink your boat  means don't second guess yourself, stick to the facts and don't lose confidence. 

My most recent experience with this is a confrontation I had with my ex husband about our daughter.  There was an issue about my daughter not brushing her teeth while at his house for the weekend.  I started to bring up the topic. Needles to say my emotions got out of hand and for lack of a better expression I word vomited all over him. Obviously this made him angry.

Later when he was gone I kept thinking that I shouldn't have said anything. I felt that my concerns were not valid or justified because of the way that I acted that caused his reaction. More and more buckets of water pouring into my boat. This leads to second guessing of other situations as well adding more to the problem.

Putting on the Mask.

I have worn many masks in my life. Always the one that fits into the current situation. It doesn't always work but it is very tasking, so very tiring. I do not do this to change who I am to fit in. I do this to be normal. I put the mask on so that others don't get bombarded by my emotions.  So why then am I bombarding others with my emotions?

After a long day of wearing the mask I can't push anymore, I can't make myself be different anymore. My emotions are more inflamed than ever. So who gets the brunt of my non-mask wearing emotional assault? My family does, my poor family and loved ones, the ones that did nothing to deserve it. I can't stop it though, I have expelled all my energy in that department trying to make it through the day. I have hurt so many people in this way and for that I am so sorry.

My close family and usually those I am in a relationship with, those that are still there at the end of the day get it all. The unleashed me, I hate myself for that. Seems like it is backwards, it isn't my family who should suffer this. I should not be taking this out on my significant other either. Perhaps that is why I always end up alone.

To my family, I love you. You are always there, you put up with the worst of me and I am sorry.